CAT Studies Crew

Wow! It’s been a very long time since I last posted. A lot has happened…I have been diagnosed with M.E. and an now a mature student on a degree course studying Creative Arts Therapies. I feel I may share some things from time to time on here as I am now being more creative and enjoying the process of creating without worrying about the outcome. It’s very pleasurable and it means that I actually DO end up with finished pieces rather than doing nothing! Win, win.

So, today in Uni I did a presentation (creative presentation, not a powerpoint) about my experience of a module that we have now finished called ‘Self Awareness’. At the end of my presentation I read out this poem which was well received by my peers and tutors.I had a lot to say so it’s rather long (and could have been longer) but hopefully I captured my experience of the module.

Note: CAT = Creative Arts Therapies (so you will understand the reference at the end!)

 

Wow, what a tricky beginning

Fears, anxiety, expectations in the making.

Part mine, part outside, taking on more than enough,

Is it empathy or am I taking on other’s energy and stuff?

Feeling cloudy, confused and dumb,

it just made me want to run.

Staying put, I ought to be proud

taking on the challenge, speaking aloud

Doubts, irritation, frustration and fatigue

Pushing through, trying to take care of my need

Endless discussion, and tangents abound,

being with that, trying to stay rooted to the ground.

Reading theory, forgetting, trying to understand,

head hurting from discussion and continual sound.

Understanding the deluge of emotions that can plague me

don’t have to overwhelm but can be set free.

Perhaps not free but parked for a while

until I can look at them in a calmer style.

These dramatic demons are rearing from my past.

Mine but also from the long history of my family they are cast.

They are valid, they are true and I accept they mean something,

though going deep into them is not a place I always have to delve in.

Creative sessions being a safe place of revealing.

Not only free and clear but also incredibly healing.

More content away from the words and the talk,

my creativity revels in the opportunity to walk.

At peace with the freedom of no finished piece.

Completely open and flowing, a creative feast

Affecting my life outside, not only in class,

writing poems like these in a way to pass

through the overwhelm of emotions and drama that don’t serve

me, or my present, or future reserve.

And what have I learned, what do I know

through exploring and surrender, allowing the flow?

I’ve learned that my voice is valid in this room.

That this place that I’m in is like coming home.

I have known all along that it’s here I belong

That my story, good and bad, has all been part of this sojourn.

I’ve learned I am victim, persecutor and I rescue

Yes, all three, when I thought it was just one that I go into.

Moving in and out of the states with everyone else,

a continual dance at a varying pace.

I’ve learned to feel things by moving my body,

to feel how it feels whilst watching somebody

who is doing the same, allowing to be seen,

and the honour that comes when let into their scene.

I’ve learned that we ALL come from a good place.

That everyone deserves some time and space.

I’ve learned that I’m doing this to share with other souls

the benefits of creating, to prevent falling into the dark hole.

I’ve learned I don’t have to do feel everything all of the time,

that I can stop the spiralling, sit down, write a poem or a line.

If things are overwhelming I can create, and be saved

from the monsters, past and future, wipe them out in a wave.

Of present, of here and now, of basically just being

and not being scared like before when I’d go into hiding.

I know that I hate that, for this course, I have to explain in words

That nameless thing which is not really seen or heard.

But this is the whole point, what we’re showing, what is true.

Art, dance, music, writing, movement and drama – make way for the CAT Studies crew!

Meanwhile…

I am due a new blog post…it’s been a while!

In the meantime, this…

The road ahead…

Society is sick, not me…

Whilst I support the idea of let’s talk about mental health, get it out in the open, not be afraid to admit our ‘problems’ I feel that this continuing trend  in what is, in fact, labelling people (or people labelling themselves) with anxiety, depression, OCD and any number of ‘disorders’, is dangerous.

I absolutely agree that it is important to not hide away, to pretend all is fine. It’s not ok to feel unable to voice our truth (important point: when I say our I mean absolutely everybody on this earth) when we are finding life difficult.

I know there have been people along the way that have found it difficult that I don’t actually label myself. I don’t label myself*. I don’t say I’m a depressive. I don’t say I have mental illness. This isn’t because I am ashamed. This doesn’t mean that the people who do get labelled/label themselves/say they are a depressive/have a whole host of other ‘mental illnesses/disorders’ are braver than me. Ironically, some of the people who don’t like that I don’t allow the labels for myself, have told me that they admire the fact that I stand up and say so when I think something is wrong rather than going with the crowd, and that they wish they could be like that.

I see being labelled as a negative. I am labelled. I can then be placed in a box and ‘helped’ by treatment (always medication but sometimes with other types of therapy) that apparently makes people with ‘mental health issues’ better.

What about this type of labelling, rather than labelling in a black and white way?  I am a positive person, I always respect and help other people, I do voluntary work as it seems natural to me. What about…. I create personal drawings, paintings, poems for my friends and family which bring smiles to their faces, I am prone to very positive periods in my life. How about a label for the times when I am just living quite simply, not doing very much? Am I labelled by any one of those things? NOPE!

Let’s take a different view that, actually, society is sick… not me. I think I maybe understand why some people take solace in labelling themselves with a ‘mental condition’. Perhaps they feel that if they know what’s wrong with them they can do something about it…yes, I get that. However, what I am asking is that those people don’t look at me as though I am in some sort of denial. I can, in fact, see very, very clearly. Sometimes too clearly, which is why I can find life in this society particularly difficult at times…increasingly more often. Don’t judge me. You who looks at me with your ‘depression’, anxiety’, etc are people just like me, who absolutely hate to be judged but have become judges yourselves.

So, I will NEVER be labelled or label myself. Being labelled is just like being in a box; it has it’s limits, it shuts you off, it can be dark and perhaps a bit boring? Many know, from experience of survival through difficult times, that it is easy and, to a certain degree helpful to build up an imaginary wall around ourselves to ‘protect’, to ‘be safe’. I see labelling as having another wall forced upon you. ‘Getting better’ is surely about unpicking, breaking down the walls around us in a safe way not adding another limiting wall/box (label) tightly around us.

That’s how I feel anyway. We all have different opinions and experiences. That is the point isn’t it…

*Just as an aside, I don’t label myself in any other part of my life either.